Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 17, 2026

To my mom, March 17

Tuesday, March 17, 1981

          Well, here we are, nearing the end ... the end of this 9 months that is! Within my soul and heart the expectation and excitement is really mounting. But, then too, I feel a sort of sense of loss to realize it's all coming to an end. Of course, it isn't an end at all, it's just the beginning of a whole new life—one that I am anxious to see grow and develop. Still, it's hard to put my finger on it exactly, I rejoice at having had these past months of change & development going on inside me—it is a very personal and spiritual experience. I guess it's the "wonderment" that I shall miss ... it's been lovely growing with you ... yes, even in the bad days, it's been beautiful.

Tuesday, March 17, 2026

          Well, here we are, many weeks now past the end ... the end of 5 months of crippling decline. Within my soul and heart the grief conflicts with anxiety and misgivings that wax and wane. Every day I discover another aspect of loss that I, my wife, my kids, or dad are experiencing. Of course, we're all wondering when it will end, and we're eager to begin whole new chapters in our lives—ones that we can feel confident and content in again. I don't know how to say it exactly: I lament at having had these past months of change & development going on around me, but I rejoice that you're not here still suffering—it is a very private and spiritually refining time. I guess it's the "entitlement" that I'm beginning to miss: entitlement to my own desires, entitlement to my kids' childhood surrounded by capable grandparents, entitlement to knowing my parents are well and what that means for my own future. It's not always been lovely grieving for you. Yes, even on the good days, I've found myself begrudging. God, forgive me.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Monday, March 9, 2026

To my mom, March 9

Monday, March 9, 1981

          I wish I could say everything is going just fine, but it isn't. Well, physically I'm OK, but we're finding it difficult to get the rest of your room ready for you. There are still lots of things to get and not much time.
          Why doesn't the world just stop spinning and say, "Hey, Cyndi is having a baby"!? Having you is truly awe-inspiring ... from the first time I felt your heartbeat, since those first little kicks—God what a miracle. This is amazing. I love you, beautiful baby.

Monday, March 9, 2026

          It's something more than poetic how your words from decades ago line up with our own goings and doings today. Is this how God is choosing to speak to me in this season of my life? Physically, I guess I'm OK too (cholesterol higher than needed), but I'm finding it difficult—or I should say, challenging—to get the rest of our house ready for all that seems to loom closer day-by-day. There are still lots of wants and needs, and trying to separate out between them which should be considered next and how to muster the time, enthusiasm, and resources for them is more than enough. Add a thing or two more and it slides into overwhelming. It's a battle to stave off self-pity (or self-loathing) and sloth. Staying productive is truly my only choice, even if I have to drag others along with me.
          Why doesn't the world just stop swirling and say, "Hey Lance, here's your joy today"!? Having all this hurricane of emotions and activity swirl with me seeming at the center is anxiety-inducing ... from the moment your heart beat last, since those final bouts and fits on your hospital bed—God what a trial. Still it's amazing. I have hope, Mom.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Tuesday, February 24, 2026

To my mom, February 24

Tuesday, February 24, 1981

          I still can hardly believe it! I'm going to be a mother! Oh Lord, help me to be all that I can be, all that You would want me to be.
          Little one, this is for you—
          That I may love you
          and comfort you,
          That I may hold you
          and nurture you,
          That we can hold you up before the Lord,
          In the same way he brought you to us…
          A gift of love.

Tuesday, February 24, 2026

          It's hard to believe how much life has changed in two months. Dad is still living here with us. It's not ideal, but I'm grateful we can provide each other support in this time.
          No spontaneous poem here, I'm afraid. Just a Psalm to balm a troubled soul.
          The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
          and his ears are attentive to their cry;
          but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
          to blot out their name from the earth.
          The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
          he delivers them from all their troubles.
          The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
          and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
          Psalm 34:15-18

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Sunday, February 22, 2026

To my mom, February 22

Sunday, February 22, 1981

          God smiled down upon me when he gave me you to nurture. Feeling you inside of me is such a beautiful feeling.
          I know … I've had several of the "pitfalls" of motherhood pointed out to me in the past several weeks. Still, I eagerly await the opportunity to test my maternal instincts, love, care for, and welcome you into our world. God bless you.

Sunday, February 22, 2026

          God has you in his eternal smile now. Feeling you smile down on me is a bittersweet feeling. I hope I'm giving you enough reasons to smile down. Sometimes, I'm not so sure anything I've done recently is deserving of a smile.
          No pitfalls here, I suppose. Just a dash of self-pity. Forgive me for that. And ask God to do the same, please. In fact, I'll ask Him right now.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Friday, April 18, 2025

365 Films in 365 Days — April 18: The Passion of the Christ

This series is dedicated to matching memorable movies with the signature day each year upon which I could watch them forever. This next movie is so good and yet so jarring that I always swallow hard when preparing myself to watch it. It's Good Friday, so I can do none other than:

The Passion of the Christ (2004, Icon/Newmarket Films, Mel Gibson)

The opening of the Passion is rich with dark beauty and menace. The music has a dark sensuality to it, and the performances are raw and theatrical. Jim Caviezel's Christ is the modern template, and productions like The Chosen have definitely benefitted from his portrayal. It simultaneously goes to places no other actor has gone to before and sets itself apart by not inviting imitation. The whole movie plays out that way. Simultaneously setting itself apart and provoking reactions that no other film might dare to emulate. It's indicative of the life Jesus lived—wholly unique and unimpeachable by human standards.

The scene with Satan and Jesus as he asks for the cup to pass from him continues the duality of raw beauty and pure pain. It is an emotional crucifixion. The spirit must be right for the body to obey. The imagery is strong and stark and the words are sparse but unsullied. It's unsettling in its crystallized finality.

The Aramaic, Hebrew, and Latin used in the film lends it such an authenticity and the filmic way in which its shot is enough to tell the story without subtitles. Truly an achievement.

It's truly heart-wrenching, too, to watch Jesus' betrayal and treatment. The "passion" here is His suffering. It's undeniable and very honestly depicted. Jesus' tumble while chained over the bridge as Judas watches on in horror is just-under-over-the-top, which sets the table for what is to come.

Judas' betrayal of Jesus is all of ours to own. We each betray God in our own ways. And the penalty for that is death. But Jesus saves us from ourselves, if we follow him to the end. Judas followed Jesus only most of the way, sadly. Being a follower simply isn't enough, if it's only with our bodies. We must die to our old selves to follow him in spirit. The film deftly evokes all of this.

The scene with Jesus and Mary at the tall, rich man's table is such a needed relief. The movie is heavy throughout, and rightfully so, but we need those little warm touches and kind remembrances to survive the ordeal. We are, too, what we remember in life.

The spoken words of Aramaic during Jesus' interrogation in Caiaphas' court has such power to it. The words they speak and the manner they deliver them in have a spellbinding power. I can't watch that scene without trembling and verging on tears. Why does this scene affect me so? Why does this story affect anyone so dramatically in this day and age? These are questions one must honestly consider.

I remember a religious studies student standing up in class in the Spring of 2004 after the movie came out. The professor—in a class on the teachings of Jesus—had elicited comments from the students as to their reactions to the film. The student who stood—a young woman—claimed she thought the film had many silly contradictions and didn't make any sense. Some others in the class laughed at this. I even recall the professor smirking at those comments. I don't think I had ever felt so much disconnect and pity for my fellow man than at that time. It's not a shock to me that the film was received so by some at that time. That was the height of the "new atheism" movement in America. A movement which has spawned nothing to remember it by, and given us no answers, no solace. A movement that will have lasted less time on earth in its heyday than Jesus spent bodily while here. That's telling.

Pilate's first encounter with Jesus in the film doesn't feel like a movie. This is when filmmaking is at its zenith: when you forget you're watching moving pictures on a screen and you're transported.

"If you cannot hear the truth, no one will tell you." This is a line in the film and a thing of absolute truth. Interesting that it comes from Pilate's wife, Claudia, who is as forgettable a named character that there is. And yet there she is, saying those words to her man in a moment of uncertainty for him. Jesus is, was, and always will be to the Son of God, God incarnate, and no amount of him claiming literally that he is God would have changed anything for the better. Evidence aside, every person must decide for themself.

The scene in Herod's court reminds me a lot of the Jabba's palace scenes in Return of the Jedi.

They chose an insurrectionist over the truth two-thousand years ago. We did it again in 2024.

The flagellation scene is repellent and wrong. It had to be. It's awful. But it also kinda purifies you by experiencing it. I've rarely felt more clarity and urgency than what these scenes spur out of my soul. We should feel uncomfortable and poised to move when we watch this. Let it purify you, I say.

Jesus' amazingly strong proclamations in the midst of such agony makes me heave and makes tears to flow every time. It's not emotional manipulation. It's pure emotional outpouring.

Simon of Cyrene's outburst during the scene when Jesus falls carrying the cross should be the reaction of all of us. Fantastic direction, staging, and performances by all here.

The scene revealing Golgotha ("The Place of the Skull") is sufficiently epic and stirring.

Caviezel's face during the Sermon on the Mount scene is full of grace.

And again, in the midst of awfulness, we're given the Last Supper scene to help sustain us. The poetry and parallelism is not lost on me.

The crucifixion itself is wonderfully presented. All the beats and moments you can imagine reading the passages from the Bible are here to see.

By the time the credits roll, you've been marked by this picture. Despite the fact that one might argue this movie is the height of fictional storytelling, I believe in the historicity of this tale and all that implies. Amen.

April 18 — 11 of 365 logged

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