Random Thought of the Day: No is a knife.

"No" is the most valuable word in the English language. In any language. It's the sharpest, too. It is a knife. It cuts off the unnecessary parts. It removes the pieces that shouldn't be consumed. It sets boundaries and protects. It's also the primary agent of freedom.

"The primary agent of freedom?!? What are you saying? That's YES!"

No. It's NO. Without No, how can one resist? If all one can say is 'yes', then all you can do is obey. Without No, we're just puppets. If all one can say is 'yes', then you live in a fascist state. Without No, freedom is simply programing.

No is the guiding principle of design and sound thinking. It is the birth of originality. It is a staple of scientific theory. It gives agency to the weak, and checks the strong. 

No is law and order.

No is the key to parenting.

No is the basis of the Ten Commandments.

No is how you know you've had enough.

No is taking off the auto-pilot.

No is the guardian of consent.

No brings you to the point.

No is a knife.

Random Thought of the Day: Being on time is not the pinnacle of professionalism.

How is it said? "If you want to be professional, be on time."

In my experience, consistency and honesty is more important and professional than simply obeying the clock. Buses, planes, and trains ought to be on time; people ought to be given the time they need when circumstances demand it.

To be on time is to be professional. Right? Sure, it's simple and elegant. It's measurable. Were you on time? Yes/No. Thus, are you professional? Yes/No. But being on time isn't about professionalism at all. Being on time is about who can arrive at an agreed upon destination with the fewest obstacles to navigate. It's really almost a point of discrimination. And it's entirely about control. If you have kids, or a spouse, or a clunker of a car, or a longer route, or even the barest hint of conflicting agendas, you might be a redneck … er, I mean, you might not be professional material. What else is keeping you from being on time? Get with the program, or get another job!

And whoever has the fewest obstacles to navigate generally sets the rules. Get the picture? Being on time will always be easier for some, and infinitely harder for the rest of us. Do I fall into that category? I don't have a problem with arriving on time. I do have a problem, though, with those who consistently arrive on time but also consistently deliver a lower quality of work than that "level of professionalism" would otherwise seem to dictate. And work should always be about quality, not quantity.

If you're more interested in doing more rather than doing better, by all means, strictly obey the clock. That certainly isn't the pinnacle for me. (Not even sure if it would be in the top 3!)

Random Thought of the Day: Food-based Batman Villain Names

What if each member of Batman's Rogues Gallery were named after all things dietary…?

The Noodler. "Noodle me this!"

Mr. Fries. "Always served well below room temperature."

The Juicer. "You'll be splitting at the seams once I've peeled you open!"

Celery Kale, the Fatwoman. "Despite my namesake, I like to live large."

The Pumpkin. "My blue blooded bearing is veritably carved on my face."

Grain. "I must THRESH YOOU!"

Fresh au Jus. "Join the League of Asparagus, dip yourself in my waters."

The Ham Platter. "Choices, choices, oh the choices! Maybe I'll take one of each and wear them on my head, how's that?"

Smeltroe. "Fear not, you'll soon be eating of the fishes!"

Pizzaface. "The cure for my adult acne turned me into a monster and makes me hate the world."

Raisin Icee. "It'll catch on! Just you wait and see."

Cornedbeef Steak. "It's the heart of any good meal. Yess, the heart!"

And, of course, the heroes:

Bratman and Squab. "The Dynamic Duo (of sausage and cooked pigeon)!"

Can you name all the villains above, or think of any other good ones? Comment below.

Random Thought of the Day: "Ohh yi-eahh!"

There are basically two types of people in the world. Those who hear, "Ohh yi-eahh!" and think of the Kool-Aid Man, and those who hear, "Ohh yi-eahh!" and think of the Macho Man Randy Savage. Admittedly, and somewhat proudly, I'm one of the latter. It may have something to do with the fact that I've never liked Kool-Aid, but there was a time (let's call it the late 80s/early 90s) when I thought professional wrestling was real.

That said, there's got to be more to it than simple preference for the brands behind the words. (After all, I've never been much of a fan of Slim-Jims either!)

Maybe it has something to do with the speakers themselves? They both have "man" in their names. But I mean, come on! Who wants to hear those words coming out of the mouth of a bulging, red monstrosity with the rough voice of a coke-head who goes around smashing things?!

Okaaaay. So, maybe it's not about the man, per se. Maybe it has something to do with the voice? They're both gravelly and straining. But whereas the Kool-Aid Man sounds like a poor man's Wolfman Jack, I think we can all agree that Macho Man's voice is at least a level higher on the unattainability scale, and that makes it something special.

Go ahead, try it. Say, "Ohh yi-eahh!" with the same intensity you might employ while trying to pass a baseball through your anus, and determine for yourself what it first brings to mind. I'm sure you'll be pleased with the result.

Random Thought of the Day: Trip-Kills

Duality is everywhere. Everything in life has a flip-side. Even flip-flops. (You know, thong sandals.)

They're called "trip-kills." They have a wonderful tendency of dangling off the toe at just the right angle to catch your next step and send you into a drunken stumble when your blood alcohol level is flat-lined. Or, the thong even occasionally likes to cling between your toes when you're trying to quickly doff them, triggering that awkward lean as you take your next step like the be-flip-flipped foot is loosely glued to the ground. And a dark pair with their low-profile can be a curse inducing hazard to the unwary pedestrian trying to navigate a dim hallway. Good times!

Yes, indeedy! Flip-flops aren't flip-flops at all, betimes. They have that dual nature as trip-kills, also. Don't forget it.

Besides trip-kills, might there be other articles of clothing or household items that often fail to conceal their dual identity? Don't keep it a secret. Out the offending inanimate object and let's all be safer for it.

Random Thought of the Day: Taking Measure

We live in a world where everything must be quantified. Shoe size, IQ, YouTube views, how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, and taxes to name a few. There are some measures, however, that no one has yet given a definitive take on.

For example, that power forward Stu Pidity is a beast on the low block. After all, what is one to think, given the tremendous heights he can reach. Ironically, I'm sure some entertain the idea that this was the late actor by the same name, the one who played a stooping Munchkin.

There are many others, to be sure. Take, Ms. Sian Cerity, world renowned oceanographer—can anyone deny the depths she goes to? Or John D. Matters, my next door neighbor, always so concerned over his weight. And talk about superficial, then there's Fae Lee Yur, a Chinese exchange student who is constantly obsessed with her pricey lifestyle.

Goodness me, even sanity! Even sanity is quantifiable (I should know, I track it daily). Don't believe me? Just go measure the Newtons per cubic centimeter exerted by it next time you see it. Tell me then how you find its edge, hmm?

Random Thought of the Day: Misbehavior is the offspring of the negative interrogative

Doesn't that just sound peculiar?

And so the dilemma begins. Either you agree with me that the above heading sounds peculiar, or you don't. A seemingly innocuous situation, but one which can lead to, admittedly unfounded yet entirely plausible, conclusions. Couldn't it be that our responses to such questions are less about how we truly react to the topic than as to how we react to the manner in which it's asked?

See, I did it again. The manner being presented here is one that almost begs compliance, as if there could be no other alternative. It verily challenges the listener to disagree with the speaker, and it never fails in breeding a sense of conformity. To agree is to instantly be on the same wave length as the speaker, while to disagree only serves to draw a deeper line in the sand. Either you're in or you're out.

Here are some contextual scenarios to help bring this into focus.

How might Cain have behaved if Eve hadn't posed the question this way…?
"Lo, now, dearest Cain, can't thee at least consider pig farming or keeping a pheasantry as a suitable pastime?"

Or one of his many lovers to Alexander the Great…
"Dearest Lex, can't we just settle down somewhere and adopt ourselves a nice little brood of rugrats?"

Or Anne Boleyn to Henry VII?
"Come now, dear, won't you reconsider?"

Or one of his many advisors to Napoleon…
"Pardon my liege, but shouldn't we postpone the advance into Russia until after winter breaks?"

Or one of his many advisors to Hitler…
"Pardon mein führer, but shouldn't we postpone the blitzkrieg into Russia until after winter breaks?"

[Updated July 2018]
Or a common Trump supporter commenting on Trump's words after the Helsinki summit with Putin…
"Wouldn't he have meant what he said after he corrected what he said from that time when he said that one thing?"

But this sort of distinction is detected less in writing than it is in actual speech. The same thing exists in Japanese dialogue with the use of the interrogative tag marker pronounced, "…ne?" In Japanese, the negation's sense of uniform conformity of ideas is more implied and conversational than hard and demanding, but the way in which it's emphasized can really have an effect on the listener. Perhaps it's not the negative interrogative so much as it is the emphasis placed on certain words when speaking in a such a manner. Read the following lines aloud, placing stress on the italics, and observe.

Don't you think a glass of arsenic is good for building strong bones?

Haven't you ever played dodge-the-automobile before?

Don't these jeans make me look porcine?

In every case the danger is obvious. Even if you replaced certain key words with the more standard "milk," "football," or "fat" (in the latter case, gentlemen, the danger is two-fold), you get the same result. Where do you stand? Are you someone with whom the questioner would care to hang out with, or sooner leave dead in the gutter? There's also that tendency when someone tells us what or what not to do, we do the exact opposite. Subversively divisive and pricking us right at our prideful centers, these linguistic devices are gateways into misbehavior, and closely related to that most fiendish of argumentative styles: devil's advocate.

Don't believe me. Why don't you go find out for yourself? (I already know you won't.)

Random Thought of the Day: Critical Life Lessons

You know how you may have developed habits in your life, ones that people don't necessarily know about, and even you don't stop to recognize them, or where they come from sometimes? They're the kind that usually stem from some horribly bad experience that left you feeling numb and a little bit hopeless about the fate of humanity. It's the lesson you remember, and not often the catalyst. But today, I remembered the catalyst for one of mine.

I have an unspoken rule. I don't just go to the movies to go to the movies. I know this. I don't have to think about it, it's just the way it is with me. Be it with friends, family, my girlfriend—whomever! Doesn't matter. I'm not going to the movies unless I really want to see something.

Why?

Years ago, I once went with a bunch of people to see a movie the day it came out, not really because I wanted to, but because that's "what was going on." Since then, I have established my rule. The movie was, Dude, Where's My Car?

Penny for your thoughts.

Random Thought of the Day: Two wrongs make a right?

With a name like “Wright” you’re bound to end up on the wrong side of a few jibing puns along the lines of: “Hey, Mr. Wright? Have you ever been Mr. Wrong?” “Only just now, (putz),” I smile. “I’m always Wright even when I’m wrong.”

But this gets me wondering. Is there any way to actually make a right out of two wrongs? We all know the logical fallacy involved here, but what say we see if it’s absurdifiable!

I suppose if Mr. and Mrs. Wrong had a baby named Right, that'd be one. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed is bad, but waking up on the wrong, wrong side of the bed might be right, eh? If you get a question wrong on a test, but the question was wrong to begin with, that could yield the right sort of outcome. And aren't I right in thinking it's doubly wrong for the rotund among us to wear a thong at the beach?

Anything else make a right?

Yeah. Three lefts.

Random Thought of the Day: What's the matter with doctors?

I just got back from the hospital today, having gotten my cast removed from a snowboarding accident last month, and I was again struck by how odd some doctors are. No, not some doctors—all doctors! Some are odd in how they appear: be it their hairstyle (or lack thereof), the way their eyes are set (or the glasses they wear over them), the clothes they wear (or wear badly), or the slightly off-kilter or far too erect posture they display. Others are strange in how they do things: whether it be the way they talk, or the way they walk, or the way they write their name (okay, so they're all guilty of that one). Still there's an indelible … strangeness … nay, oddity—no wait, queer factor!—that's it, there's an indelible queer factor (QF) about doctors that makes them simultaneously funny and confounding. Could it have something to do with the exorbitantly long periods of required education and certification they go through? Is it from prolonged exposure to formaldehyde? Something about the lab coat and stethoscope? What exactly?

Take a moment to consider all the ones you've dealt with in the past, and see if you can come up with what's to explain for your MD's QF?

Random Thought of the Day: Triangle Man

Why is he such a d-bag?! Beating up Mr. Particle wasn't enough for this sack?! He had to go and whoop Person Man's ass too?! *shakes head*

Does it have something to do with Triangle Man's lack of proper self-esteem? Perhaps connected to his body image? We all know a triangle has interior angles that add up to 180 total degrees. Does the number 180 have some negative astrological significance that twists Triangle Man's soul? The bastard! Could Triangle Man be a descendent or the reincarnation of Commodus, the sniveling imp of a son to Emperor Marcus Aurelius who died in the year 180 CE?! (And is it any coincidence that "CE" stands for "chaotic evil"!) I. Think. NOT!

How 'bout you?

Random Thought of the Day: Long John Silvers

Why is Long John Silver's called "Long John Silvers"? Long. John. Silvers. I mean, really*?

Is it because John was known for being very long ... in patience, let's say? Could it have been a rallying cry used by pirates during the Age of Exploration? Like, "Long live the king!" or "Long John Silvers!" Has someone ever messed it up and said, "Long John's Silver!" instead? Or is it an anagram for something like, "JS—I'll veg no horns," a cryptic in-phrase used by vegetarians from the hood when they want to eat seafood, (for as we all know, the "JS," similar in usage to PS, stands for "jive secret," or for the uninitiated "just saying").

What do you think?

(* Note: I'm aware of the name's connection to a certain work by Robert Louis Stevenson. No need to point that out, thank you. This is an absurdist thought experiment—play along!)