Friday, July 31, 2026

365 Films in 365 Days — July 31: 12 Angry Men

This series is dedicated to matching memorable movies with the signature day each year upon which I could watch them forever. Summer is perhaps hottest around this time of year, and the days are long. While this movie's runtime is not long, the characters in it feel like they couldn't proceed fast enough, in large part due to the heat. The heat of morality and responsibility and prejudice. And so:

12 Angry Men (1957, United Artists, Sidney Lumet)

Even for an uninitiated, non-fan of courtroom procedurals and legal dramas, this movie can affect you. I have to say, too, that the first few minutes don't do particularly much for the uninitiated: the ho-hum, routine, almost tired entry the movie makes won't win over a newcomer all at once, but it is the set-up to what is to come. The pace and elegance of this feature is a marvel. Shot virtually all in one room with a cast of "Joe Regulars" (save for Fonda who is the only A-lister of the bunch), it completely lacks any special effects or even any color (the men are all caucasian), and yet it's compelling and delivers as much a message for today as it did then.

Juror 8's holdout objection to the others' quick committal to convicting the young defendant is quickly challenged by Juror 7. Their exchange feels like how a reasonable person would wind up having to deal with the average sports fan, or fraternity pledge, or talk show host (take your pick). Juror 8 feels like he has a duty to uphold, and while he admits to being agnostic to the truth, he isn't about to concede the possible.

I can remember reading as Juror 8 my junior year in high school in Mrs. Christopher's class. I was honored. Even at that time, I felt like there was something different about me from almost everyone else in my class. I don't know that I can even place my finger on it exactly today. What I do  know is that I've never been a herd follower or a bandwagoner. I'm highly resistant to peer pressure. I'm a reasonable contrarian. And what I do know is that I felt a distinct privilege and power to stand apart from the others and voice a reasonable concern. There are few certain reasonable concerns in life. God is one, and truth another. Probably love and justice, too. One should always pause to consider what the reasonable concern is at any stage in life.

Juror 9, the "old man," is the first to show a glimmer of support for Juror 8's plight when he stands up to Juror 10's dissent about youth and the defendant's "obvious" upbringing. It's a wonderful touch to see how slowly Juror 9 raises his hand for "guilty" when the first call for votes goes up.

Juror 2's meek tone and delivery reminds me of Arnold Wesker, "The Ventriloquist," from Batman: The Animated Series. His remark about knowing the Constitution when Juror 8 presents the idea that the burden of proof lies on the prosecution seems a dodge to me, as if he feared losing credibility if he answered otherwise. A very human response.

Juror 3 comes off very sedate and pointed about his stance, twice covering for himself on the sentimentality angle. This pays off big later.

Meanwhile, Jurors 4 and 10 come right out swinging with testimony from the trial to lend support to Juror 3's pointed claims. These three form the staunchest rebuttals to Juror 8's stance.

Juror 8 doesn't flinch when he calls out others' hypocrisy. "She's one of them, too, isn't she?" is Juror 8's response to Juror 10 when it comes to believing the stories of those from a different social class. Juror 10's response is predictably sour. And suddenly the movie begins to make us check our own thoughts. Who would we stand with?

Juror 5 asks to be skipped when they are called on to present reasons for the defendant's guilt. His resolve to follow the others in a guilty vote from earlier is already cracking.

Despite Juror 8's continued deliberation, Juror 4's comment of, "Maybe it was two too many," when considering whether the defendant's being slapped by the victim might have prompted murder also prompts a look on Juror 8's face to suggest that even he must take a step back in his considerations. The fight for truth with others and within ourselves is rarely linear.

Juror 3 pulls out a photo of his 22-year-old son and begins to tell the tale of how he tried to make a man out of his son when he was 9. He is trying to highlight "how bad kids are these days," the age old adage, but instead opens himself—and Juror 8, who is closest and watching him at that moment—to his own hurt and frustration. But Juror 3 puts a lid on it and walks away as the discussion goes back to the trial.

The class warfare tension begins to bubble over as Jurors 4 and 10 begin to pile on to the idea that "people from the slums" are no good and always turn out bad. Juror 5, seated next to 4, looks at his hands and fidgets quietly until he's had enough and quiets Juror 10 by outing himself as slum-bred. He, a member of their own jury—seemingly well-dressed and responsible—born in the slums.

As the talks continue around the table, the foreman, Juror 1, tries to keep the pattern going, but Juror 10 pipes up and calls out his process as being that of a "kid." "K. I. D.," Juror 10 spells it out for him—a pejorative underlining the discounting theme that's developed—to which the foreman takes umbrage and almost declines to go on.

The entire exchange about what's possible about a peculiar knife and the defendant's story concerning it is a masterclass in line delivery, framing, and build. I love the fact that Juror 8 was willing to let the entire conversation build to a place where he could reveal an identical knife to the murder weapon he had illegally purchased the other night. It's a badass Batman-level of preparation that I admire and applaud.

The lines are whip-quick and the personalities of each speaker come out cleanly and without a feeling of forced rhythm. The scenes truly feel like a room of twelve angry men trying to sort through the ordeal, and if you aren't a fan of the picture yet at this point you probably won't be.

I love the close-up and dramatic musical notes that play as Juror 8 agrees to a revote that he'll concede to if none of the other eleven votes comes back "not guilty." It's quaint, old-timey, and poignant.

Juror 3's outburst on Juror 5 after the first revote truly outs him as the "primary villain" of the piece. A tragic, not irredeemable villain. And considering the foreman hadn't fully revealed all the new votes when he came to a "not guilty" one, who knows if Juror 5 hadn't changed also at that moment.

The reveal of Juror 9 as the one who revoted "not guilty" and Juror 8's small grin in response is a moment of desperate joy. I let out a little chirp of triumph when I saw it again. There is some humanity left in the room.

The restroom break scene is a fantastic break following the outburst. The movie ebbs and flows naturally. "Nice bunch of guys, huh?" Juror 6 says to Juror 8. "Ah, they're about the same as everywhere else," 8 replies. This is an indictment of us all. We're no better off or worse than they are today, yesterday, or tomorrow. We all come at things from different perspectives and with different biases. We carry different loads into each and every situation we come to. The scene ends with Juror 6 challenging Juror 8's deliberation by suggesting that if Juror 8 convinces them all to change to "not guilty" they might be letting the true killer go free. Juror 8 silently and soberly considers that before they the action returns to the juror's room and the struggle goes on.

As Juror 8 begins to consider how the woman witness could have seen the killing through the elevated train cars, he pauses to snatch paper from Jurors 3 and 12 as they doodle at tic-tac-toe. "This is no game!" he chides them. This echoes to me the same disinterest and vapid care both adults and youth alike seem to put toward things that really matter, ongoing today. Juror 8's righteous indignation at their behavior is justified, though of course they see him as impinging on their own rights. It's the classic but always imagined battle of objective morality against subjective morality. It's not even close. Subjective morality is what is imagined.

I love how Fonda pauses to really concentrate and get his thoughts right before he speaks. This is exampled most effectively during the scene where he is trying to tease out the details of a passing el train. And he engages the whole room. This is how you communicate. This is how you reach people. Move them even.

There's so much darn pathos and credibility in the performances. Little touches. They come off as real people, not characters. There isn't one ounce lacking believability in the whole picture.

"He don't even speak good English," says Juror 10. "He doesn't speak good English," corrects Juror 11. Juror 11 is the one with the foreign accent. Love it. This too feels ripe for today's politique. (Feels like a lesson the self-righteous MAGA crowd or their ilk might take heed of.)

Juror 7's swagger adds just the right amount color and jockish bravado to the proceedings. It's entertaining in it's hopelessness. I'm afraid there are far too many people of his type who are seen as normal in our world today.

Again, after the second revote Juror 8 shares a grin with Juror 11 who goes to "not guilty." I get a real kick out of that! It's thrilling to see someone stand against such odds and mount a defense.

Such a dramatic bear trap that Juror 3 steps into when he belittles the old man witness's mental state, immediately highlighting how the old man's testimony may be in doubt.

Never has there been a more dramatic and simple scene than the one where Juror 8 recreates the old man witness's 15-second walk while the others observe and participate. Simple, pure drama.

The scene where Juror 8 calls out Juror 3 as a sadist is the climactic tipping point of the film.

Great continuity as everyone progressively gets sweatier and sweatier—pit stains and all—as the story plays out.

The little incidental scene between Juror 8 and Juror 1 as 1 shares about his coaching football experience in the rain is another welcome break from the tension that's been ramping.

It gets real for Juror 7 when Juror 11 challenges him with, "What kind of a man are you?" They had already had a verbal dust-up before that, but Juror 7's flippant attitude and ease of changing votes galls Juror 11's sense of ethics.

Gotta love Juror 7's "d'uhh" way of punctuating his expressions when pressed.

I pray to God someday we ignore the MAGA crowd and all its ilk the same way the others do when Juror 10 goes off after the 9-3 revote in favor of acquittal. He exemplifies everything wrong and sick with those who look out and down on the marginalized and the hurting. But we must never treat them the way they treat others.

I like how Juror 4 is able to sway Juror 11 back to "guilty" for a short bit as he recounts the woman's eyewitness testimony. Adds a level of credibility as to why so many of them thought guilty at first.

The emotional power of the scene as the jurors discuss the woman's eyeglass marks on her nose is spellbinding. Juror 9 is the first to notice, and like dominos they all begin to fall in line as the woman's eyesight is brought into question. Soon, holdouts like Jurors 4 and 10 change to "not guilty," leaving only Juror 3 to stand alone in his rage.

Juror 3 is not the villain in the end. He is us. We are scared too that we've done things wrong and messed up relationships. Things we might not be able to win back. It's damning to think we're wrong and at fault in those situations. It's so much easier to blame the rest of the world. It's what Juror 3 did for too long. And it's a lesson in what we must always strive not to do as well. His breakdown at the end is heartwrenching. I get it, and I feel it, even when I'm not him.

You're heroes, Davis and McCardle. Well done.

July 31 — 14 of 365 logged

Go to next! Go to last!

Monday, July 27, 2026

To my mom, July 27

Monday, July 27, 1981

          Sorry … I seem to be getting lax about making entries in my book to you. It's just that time passes more quickly than I realize and you are growing so fast.
          But, much has happened in the past several weeks. Your sister Jessie has come to spend a month with us. I can tell she loves you dearly and she is very helpful because she likes to take care of her little brother. She'll be leaving soon, and I'm sure she'll miss you … and you her.
          The doctor is thinking about having your right foot put into a cast because of the way it turns in. I'll be taking you to see a special bone doctor so he can tell us what, if anything, needs to be done.
          Your nanny, my mother, called us last night to see how we were all doing. And to say she anxiously awaits our arrival to California in just a few short weeks.

Monday, July 27, 2026

          I'm definitely not sorry you took the time at all to record these anecdotes and thoughts you had as an early mother. It's now been more than a half year since your passing, and I'm reminded to take things as they come.
          Jessie has visited three times since early December. Twice for dad's surgeries. She loved you, too, despite whatever contrary actions/attitudes might have been interpreted in those days and ones to follow. She wants to move Dad out to New Mexico with her next year sometime to care for him. Nothing set in stone, but I'm not wholly against it.
          My right foot in a cast, eh? That must be why I turn my ankle on occasion, though I've never thought there was anything particularly wrong with my feet. Fortunately, my reflexes are such that I've never done any real damage. Take care of your core, back, hips, knees, and ankles is my ongoing mantra as I age.
          Aunt Carmen visited, too, in July. We had a nice chat about lots of things, not the least of which was Nana. Thinking back on the Oceanside days, it's almost like a dream now. But I know they were real and I cherish those times.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Tuesday, June 30, 2026

To my mom, June 30

Tuesday, June 30, 1981

          I can hardly believe it, but it's true, half the year has passed and here you are, over 3 months old and weighing over 14 lb! Soon I'll be heading out to California with you in tow to show you off to all of those who haven't seen you yet. Last week we took you to a lake, where I went swimming for the first time since last summer. I set up a little canopy for you to keep you out of the hot sun. There'll be more trips like that in store for you, and some day in the not-too-distant future, I hope you learn how to swim real good.…

Tuesday, June 30, 2026

          Though I'm not caught in unbelief, I acknowledge that it's been a half year since your passing. Soon Aunt Carmen will be heading out to California to stay with us for a few days and bond some more. I suppose that is the upside to a loss: you ultimately draw closer to the elements that remain.
          Swimming is not as common now that you and Dad no longer have the house in Rio Vista. I'm pretty sure we won't make a beach visit of any kind until maybe December when we have tentative plans to visit Santa Monica and commemorate the occasion by spreading your ashes. Even now that feels like a long time off in the future, but I know it will be here sooner than we might be ready for. In the meantime, I try to make good use of every day that comes.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Friday, June 5, 2026

To my mom, June 5

Friday, June 5, 1981

          As I sit here, cooling off after having done some work in the kitchen, I watch you as you lay next to me on the couch, napping. It's been 2-1/2 months since that morning you were born. You are now tipping the scales at about 12 lb!
          Surely you haven't already grown out of some of your clothes!! But, alas, you have, at least 2 of the newborn sleeper sets you received no longer fit you.
          You're reaching the age now where you spend a lot of your waking hours, cooing, and smiling at your dad and I. What a pleasure!

Friday, June 5, 2026

          Cooling and cooing. What a lifelong combination. It is a combination or relief and pleasure. We seek both, don't we? We don't always deserve them, but we still seek them. They are our returns to normal.
          I'm tipping the scales these daze at just over 150 lb! That's still quite slim and "healthy" compared to the vast majority of Americans, but I know I could probably lose a few pounds and trim the bad cholesterol from my diet, so I'm being more conscious of what crosses my lips.
          It's so true that kids outgrow things easily. I watch now as Ewan and Paige do the same thing with much of what they have and wear. There's a clear divide between what they outgrow physically versus psychologically, though they're definitely related. I'm glad to see that my kids (soon to be 11 and 8) are still very much kids, even though they're starting to smell more and need shoe replacements more often. It's the toys, too. They hold on to some things and never seem to care about others until those toys are on the chopping block. Strange what we hold on to. I still have a couple of toys on my desktop that I got when I was about 11 years old. Guess it goes to show there are certain things we should always hold on to, and others we had best learn how to part with. I just wish I knew the exact schedule of retention. Time has a way of surprising us all.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Wednesday, May 13, 2026

To my mom, May 13

Wednesday, May 13, 1981

          Reflections:
          Now that we've been home for awhile now and things have fallen into a pattern, more or less, I am feeling somewhat more secure as a mother (I celebrated my first Mother's Day the 10th of May) and I wonder as I watch you in your sleep when a smile creeps over your face, just what it is that you could possibly be thinking about … Are you dreaming? Well, if you are, I hope they are nice dreams.
          And what went through your mind as we were passing the days in the hospital? Me in my room, you in the nursery.…
          I can recall one night in particular that the nurse was getting ready to bring you to my room for the 1:00 AM feeding. I had not been feeling well all day and I was having one of those cold sweats that sometimes hit me in the hospital, there I lay in my perspiration-soaked sheets, wanting just a few solid hours of sleep. So, I asked the nurse not to bring my baby to my room cuz I didn't feel up to nursing him. Did you feel all alone in the big nursery by yourself? Could you sense what was going on? Did you think I didn't love you? Well, I did, and I do; I felt very guilty that night. But, I also feel that when I got to have you in my room for rooming-in, well, that sort of made up for it.

Wednesday, May 13, 2026

          Reactions:
          *big breath out* I'm kinda speechless thinking about your words here again. I feel ill-fit to respond to them, as I've never been a mother. I'm a father, true, but that's different.
          I'm taken to thoughts on where you are now. They seem as mysterious to me as I'm sure these thoughts were to you then. I'm confident you're in heaven, but what must it be like. Do you dream of us? Is it all like a dream now? Or are you finally awake, and this life was the dream?
          I was a generally happy, well-balanced kid (if memory serves). I have you in large part to thank for that. I know I've expressed as much before, even when you were still here, but thanks again, Mom. I know there were times there in the final months when you probably didn't feel particularly loved. You were, and still are.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Friday, May 8, 2026

To my mom, May 8

Friday, May 8, 1981

          You are now 7 weeks old, and how you've grown!! Except for an occasional gassy stomach you are thriving very well. I also feel very well. I'm looking and feeling pretty much the way I felt before I became pregnant. Through it all I think I have fared well. Despite the down days, I now am spiritually, physically, and mentally on a much more even keel. A few days after coming home with you from the hospital some of the girls from church prepared and brought over a complete dinner meal—boy, I can say it sure was nice, my mom and your father and I really enjoyed it. Since that time, I have been given a shower and the next door neighbors have been very helpful to me especially since your nanny left. Your Aunt Sue had another little boy and his name is Scott Joseph—so you have another little cousin. I sure hope you grow to love and care for your family, cousins, etc., cuz they're important.
          My dear little one, grow up strong and be kind to people and most of all give thanks to God for life goes quickly and I want only the best for you.

Friday, May 8, 2026

          You are now 17 weeks since having left us. Except for occasional bouts of listlessness and anxiety, I am faring well enough. I had a promising interview yesterday. I'm looking not at all my age according to a co-worker who said I don't look as old as I am. The down days are necessary, I think. I haven't grown as much spiritually, physically, nor mentally these past couple years, but I wouldn't know that without those down time reflections. I know I have to ultimately act after periods of reflection, but it's harder to know I have to act without having you and dad reliably there to help me prepare for the years to come.
          We celebrated your birthday with a half cherry pie and half lemon meringue last week. This Sunday is the first Mother's Day without you also. We'll celebrate Yume and Jessie with conveyor-belt sushi today. New rhythms mixed with old traditions. We love and miss you! 

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Tuesday, April 28, 2026

To my mom, April 28

Tuesday, April 28, 1981

          Today is the first entry I make since your birth, Lance, and I'm sorry it has taken me this long…
          Two days till my 26th birthday. And so, at age 26, I have a beautiful, bubbly, month-old child. I have nearly forgotten the pain of that day—when you came into the world. It was some experience. Nobody can really tell you what it's like until you go through it yourself. Of course, we didn't plan for the cesarean, your father and I had hoped to be able to watch you come into the world in the delivery room, but after 24 hrs. of labor I was ready for any way that they could get you out!!
          Looking back—the hospital stay wasn't that long (6 days) but throughout my stay I felt some self-pity on account of the pain and all, but, guess what?—I am now looking forward to the next time, when I can give you a brother or sister. So, little Lance, I'm just glad you're home and now we are three.
          (Edit added later) April 30, 1981—Spent 45 min. in neighbors' storm cellar. Tornado strikes!! Lance slept thru it all!!!!!

Tuesday, April 28, 2026

          Today is the first entry I make since my last birthday. And the first year we'll go without celebrating yours. Doesn't seem so long, but when I compare our ages you were 36 when I was 10 and I'm now 45 as Ewan is 10. That's nine years of child-rearing you started before me. And in 25 more years I'll be the age you were when you passed. Many of the days since your passing have been pained, but there's a measure of peace and relief, too. Nobody can really tell you what it's like to grieve until you go through it yourself. Of course, we didn't plan for so much of this so soon, as I'm sure Dad would love for you and him to still be bickering and arguing and carrying-on in the house in Rio like you were a year ago rather than where things are now.
          Looking back, I think I knew the years would add up to something like this. I think maybe since my return from Japan and that year you spent teaching in Pleasanton. But what great memories there were along the way. Our wedding at your house. The kids' births. Lots of ups to balance the downs. I try hard to be grateful and not roll into self-pity, whatever may come. So, Mom—despite all the times I'm sure we'll still mess things up—I just hope you find more occasions to smile down on us from heaven than not.
          (Edit added later) Summer 1998ish—Remember that hotel stay in Washington D.C. when a car accident happened outside and we were on the first floor?! I do! I slept thru that, too. :p

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Saturday, March 21, 2026

To my mom, March 21

Saturday, March 21, 1981

          On this day in 1981, Lance James Wright was born. God has seen fit to bring another healthy happy boy into the world, and he has blessed us as the parents.
          For this child I prayed and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him.
          I Samuel 1:27

Saturday, March 21, 2026

          You honored me with these words you wrote. I pray I do the same with these and more.
          Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
          Exodus 20:12

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Tuesday, March 17, 2026

To my mom, March 17

Tuesday, March 17, 1981

          Well, here we are, nearing the end ... the end of this 9 months that is! Within my soul and heart the expectation and excitement is really mounting. But, then too, I feel a sort of sense of loss to realize it's all coming to an end. Of course, it isn't an end at all, it's just the beginning of a whole new life—one that I am anxious to see grow and develop. Still, it's hard to put my finger on it exactly, I rejoice at having had these past months of change & development going on inside me—it is a very personal and spiritual experience. I guess it's the "wonderment" that I shall miss ... it's been lovely growing with you ... yes, even in the bad days, it's been beautiful.

Tuesday, March 17, 2026

          Well, here we are, many weeks now past the end ... the end of 5 months of crippling decline. Within my soul and heart the grief conflicts with anxiety and misgivings that wax and wane. Every day I discover another aspect of loss that I, my wife, my kids, or dad are experiencing. Of course, we're all wondering when it will end, and we're eager to begin whole new chapters in our lives—ones that we can feel confident and content in again. I don't know how to say it exactly: I lament at having had these past months of change & development going on around me, but I rejoice that you're not here still suffering—it is a very private and spiritually refining time. I guess it's the "entitlement" that I'm beginning to miss: entitlement to my own desires, entitlement to my kids' childhood surrounded by capable grandparents, entitlement to knowing my parents are well and what that means for my own future. It's not always been lovely grieving for you. Yes, even on the good days, I've found myself begrudging. God, forgive me.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Saturday, March 14, 2026

To my mom, March 14

Saturday, March 14, 1981

          Well, so far I've had 3 different people tell me that they believe I am going to have a girl. I don't feel I have the right to pray and ask for anything but a healthy, happy baby.
          My mother called tonite, said she'd be down whenever I needed her. I always feel better after we've talked.

Saturday, March 14, 2026

          Do you remember the time you asked me if I was gay? I was probably late teens or early twenties. Not because you thought I was girly per se (though my frame does take after yours), but more probably because I wasn't overtly interested in dating or girls in those days. Yume was and still is the only serious relationship I've ever pursued. And I'm glad you got to get to know her and develop a trusting relationship. You always wanted a daughter, and had your miscarriage before me gone to term maybe I would have had a big sis at home growing up.
          Trev's planning on calling tonight, and has plans to visit soon for the first time since you left us. I always look forward to his visits.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Monday, March 9, 2026

To my mom, March 9

Monday, March 9, 1981

          I wish I could say everything is going just fine, but it isn't. Well, physically I'm OK, but we're finding it difficult to get the rest of your room ready for you. There are still lots of things to get and not much time.
          Why doesn't the world just stop spinning and say, "Hey, Cyndi is having a baby"!? Having you is truly awe-inspiring ... from the first time I felt your heartbeat, since those first little kicks—God what a miracle. This is amazing. I love you, beautiful baby.

Monday, March 9, 2026

          It's something more than poetic how your words from decades ago line up with our own goings and doings today. Is this how God is choosing to speak to me in this season of my life? Physically, I guess I'm OK too (cholesterol higher than needed), but I'm finding it difficult—or I should say, challenging—to get the rest of our house ready for all that seems to loom closer day-by-day. There are still lots of wants and needs, and trying to separate out between them which should be considered next and how to muster the time, enthusiasm, and resources for them is more than enough. Add a thing or two more and it slides into overwhelming. It's a battle to stave off self-pity (or self-loathing) and sloth. Staying productive is truly my only choice, even if I have to drag others along with me.
          Why doesn't the world just stop swirling and say, "Hey Lance, here's your joy today"!? Having all this hurricane of emotions and activity swirl with me seeming at the center is anxiety-inducing ... from the moment your heart beat last, since those final bouts and fits on your hospital bed—God what a trial. Still it's amazing. I have hope, Mom.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Wednesday, March 4, 2026

To my mom, March 4

Wednesday, March 4, 1981

          …had a lot on my mind lately … of course, I have a lot of time to think, with Larry gone so much. I pray for you little baby, sometimes I think I haven't taken as good of care of myself as I should—to ensure your health & wellbeing.
          The countdown is on: 27 more days!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2026

          You too, huh? With Yume's and my own health, the kids' growth and constant need for engagement, and Dad living here these past few months (to say nothing of work and home labors), it's been what a lot of others have said when I relate a brief story about all this: "Oh wow. That's a lot." No kidding. And where you seem to have had Dad rarely around at that time to share these thoughts with, I can't help but be confronted with his situation daily. How's that for some striking symmetry!
          27, err, 17 days to go. I arrived 10 days early in '81. And in 17 more days I'll arrive at the exact midpoint of my life. 45 years. 90 feels earned without overstaying. Maybe I'm shortchanging myself, but I know it takes a near daily effort to stay fit enough in mind, body, and spirit to get there. I have your memory to remind me of what it will and won't take.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Tuesday, February 24, 2026

To my mom, February 24

Tuesday, February 24, 1981

          I still can hardly believe it! I'm going to be a mother! Oh Lord, help me to be all that I can be, all that You would want me to be.
          Little one, this is for you—
          That I may love you
          and comfort you,
          That I may hold you
          and nurture you,
          That we can hold you up before the Lord,
          In the same way he brought you to us…
          A gift of love.

Tuesday, February 24, 2026

          It's hard to believe how much life has changed in two months. Dad is still living here with us. It's not ideal, but I'm grateful we can provide each other support in this time.
          No spontaneous poem here, I'm afraid. Just a Psalm to balm a troubled soul.
          The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
          and his ears are attentive to their cry;
          but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
          to blot out their name from the earth.
          The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
          he delivers them from all their troubles.
          The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
          and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
          Psalm 34:15-18

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Sunday, February 22, 2026

To my mom, February 22

Sunday, February 22, 1981

          God smiled down upon me when he gave me you to nurture. Feeling you inside of me is such a beautiful feeling.
          I know … I've had several of the "pitfalls" of motherhood pointed out to me in the past several weeks. Still, I eagerly await the opportunity to test my maternal instincts, love, care for, and welcome you into our world. God bless you.

Sunday, February 22, 2026

          God has you in his eternal smile now. Feeling you smile down on me is a bittersweet feeling. I hope I'm giving you enough reasons to smile down. Sometimes, I'm not so sure anything I've done recently is deserving of a smile.
          No pitfalls here, I suppose. Just a dash of self-pity. Forgive me for that. And ask God to do the same, please. In fact, I'll ask Him right now.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Saturday, February 21, 2026

365 Films in 365 Days — February 21: Cool Runnings

This series is dedicated to matching memorable movies with the signature day each year upon which I could watch them forever. This year marks another Winter Olympics, and I would be remiss not to take a look at this modern classic. And so, this day's viewing can be none other than:

Cool Runnings (1993, Walt Disney Pictures, Jon Turteltaub)

The Wailing Souls' Love You Want is such a feel-good, positive, excellent way to start this film. A great Reggae tune to put you in the island mood. The song starts us off on a hopeful track, and forms a great counterpoint to the emotional rollercoaster—err, sliding track—the viewer is about to ride. 

The main cast has such an endearing and distinctive set of characters. Derice is the clear leader and straight arrow with a handsome face. His earnestness and drive are easily visible and he doesn't come off as hokey. Sanka is the loveable joker and pressure-release valve on the team. His smile and quick wit play as natural and funny. Yul (named after Yul Brynner) is the strong, abrasive type. His tough-man attitude is a cover for his insecurities and protection against ridicule. Junior is the baby-face of the bunch and quietly the most insightful. His innocence and sweet-nature don't feel contrived. And, of course, Blizter (played by John Candy) brings a veteran comedy actor's timing to a part that interestingly has maybe the fewest joke moments. Candy's own dark side probably fueled the character's own troubled past and gave the performance a believable guilt and gravity.

The opening scenes in Jamaica really amp up the fun factor and get you invested in the mains. The scene where Derice, Yul, and Junior trip and miss the Summer Olympics qualifier for sprinting is a great bit of foreshadowing that stays buried among the early-goings high-notes. The Jamaicans' pursuit of Blizter to be their coach and the subsequent trials getting accustomed to bobsledding on the island are good slapstick. And again, The Wailing Souls' Wild Wild Life injects such cool vibes. Later, the scene where they each scramble to earn petty cash to fund their dawning Winter Olympic hopes plays like a cheeky montage of comedic vignettes.

The film shifts gears when the crew finally makes it to Calgary. Watching them struggle to acclimate to the weather, put together their gear, and draw inspiration from each other and the international atmosphere has an edge of tension to it. The film manages to pull off this delightful air of positivity and good attitude despite the uphill battle that the team continually faces. It's an alluring tension that keeps you bracing for what's coming next after each little character obstacle that comes up, but deep down makes you feel like it will turn out alright anyway.

"I see pride! I see power! I see a badass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody!" This line has always stuck with me. It's a call to self-actualization. It's part of what leads up to the goofy bar-brawl scene, and completely overshadows the played for laughs fisticuffs that follow. In Hollywood, self-actualization in movies often comes down to using your fists. But in real life it more often comes down to taking firm hold of where we stand against the odds.

The best line in the film is delivered with heart by Candy's disgraced coach: "A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it." This can be said about a lot of things in life. Money. Love. Power. Fame. All the things the four Jamaicans were after. All the things you and I might be after. Impermanent things.

Still, the Jamaican bobsled team strives to do their best and even starts to turn heads as they compete. It's charming to see their hard work start to pay off, and even more heartening to see them embrace who they are as competitors rather than cheat who they might become just to win. It's an odd reversal of Blitzer's story, who cheated after he had won to try to stay on top.

In the end, as in the true event that the movie is based on, the Jamaican bobsled team crashes out on their third heat after showing some promise. Though they didn't win, the team crosses the finish line on their feet, earning the respect of the onlookers and the hearts of the viewers who have followed them with interest from the opening moments. It should also be noted that the movie ends with great musical soul thanks to Jimmy Cliff's cover of I Can See Clearly Now.

February 21 — 13 of 365 logged

Go to nextGo to last!

Thursday, February 19, 2026

To my mom, February 19

 Thursday, February 19, 1981

          Saw the doctor today (Larry got to go, was go glad he got to hear the heartbeat). I've gained three more pounds and a few more aches and pains which I've told the doctor about. None of which is out of the ordinary so I'm feeling very self-assured.
          "What do I want?" the nurse asked … a healthy mind & body and a happy soul—this is what I want for my baby.

Thursday, February 19, 2026

          Dad was supposed to have seen the doctor yesterday. It's been postponed until early March now. I've gained a few pounds this winter, but nothing to be concerned about. 
          "What do I want?" I can't help but remember reading these words to you as you lay on your deathbed. Your mind, body, and soul had been through the ringer. I pray you managed to recapture a portion of that before the very end. We often don't get what we want, but sometimes we do get what we need. You needed to come to the end, and God gave you that.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Monday, February 16, 2026

To my mom, February 16

Monday, February 16, 1981

          Feeling much better today and tomorrow I've really got to get back on regular exercise program to better prepare myself for delivery. I've been doing them off and on since Christmas but I mustn't waste any more time … blessings on you little one—with all my love.

          P.S. Today is your cousin Eric's 1st birthday!!

Monday, February 16, 2026

          Feeling much better on the days when I can summon some purpose to the tasks at hand, which often requires that I practically strangle any purpose out of it. A regular exercise program is a worthy goal, but an often irritating one to keep. I stay healthier than most, I'd wager, but much like you were I'm not an "exercise-freak" by nature.
          Mustn't waste any more time. Heh. So wild how your words from 45 years ago echo my present situation. I'm blessed to have been your little one.

          P.S. Today Eric turns 46. He contacted me not long after learning to express his concern for us over your loss. Aunt Mamie and Uncle Gary flew out to visit Dad last week. EJ paid for our dinner out while they were here. Fine gestures all.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Saturday, February 14, 2026

To my mom, February 14

Saturday, February 14, 1981

          Happy Valentine's Day!! Whether you turn out to be a boy or a girl I think you'll make a fine athlete … for all the activity that's been going on inside of me.
          Today has kind of capped a long week for me, I've been sick since Tuesday with a bad cold, and the weather's been pretty bad, too. I didn't get much done so I hope to get going on the projects for your room this next week. I pray for your health, strength & happiness in coming into this world … there are many who anxiously await your arrival. I love you, baby.

Saturday, February 14, 2026

          Happy Valentine's Day!! That one in '81 was your last without me, and this one is my first without you. Strange symmetry. Fine athlete, eh? Maybe only in my head. More than the asthma and comparative frailty to other more muscular boys, it may have been my lack of dedication to any athletic discipline that kept me from becoming a fine athlete. A trait (flaw?) we invariably shared.
          We were pretty sick in December with bad colds/flus, and with the weather turning wet again for a stretch we're doing our level best to stay healthy. I sympathize with the not-getting-much-done aspect of long lingering projects. I'm learning what to hold on to and what to let go, because there's simply too much to manage these days. I pray for your soul, peace & shared memory in leaving this world … there are more than a few who still mourn your departure. I love you, Mom.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Thursday, February 5, 2026

To my mom, February 5

Thursday, February 5, 1981

          The days seem so long and dreary—and of course the cold, gloomy weather doesn't make it any better. I wish you were here right now, at least I'd have you to do things for—but, I have to be patient … good things take time…

Thursday, February 5, 2026

          Long and dreary. Or fleeting and aimless? I'm not sure which of the two I'm experiencing more. And we both know it's not entirely true: how we perceive things and the way they really are. I wish we were better at discerning between the two, then maybe we'd move through life as God intends: with more grace and understanding.
          Other than that, I'm almost at a loss to respond to your second sentence there … I know having you here right now would not make things better, as I've plenty to do already. I believe you knew that, too, at the end, and that's why you were resigned to the end rather than prolong an undesirable and unpleasant existence. We have to be patient, too, sometimes. But we also need to know when to act. It's a scary place to be caught between stillness and action and being unable to commit. That's ultimately the lesson I pray I take from your example. 

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Sunday, February 1, 2026

To my mom, February 1

Sunday, February 1, 1981

          I will begin work on the curtains for your room soon, don't have a whole lot of time left, ya know! My! but you've been active today, I've got this awful ache in my right side. Oh well, a little pain for a lot of joy—I guess I can endure.

Sunday, February 1, 2026

          And endure you did. But only so much as was reasonable in the end. Ten or twenty more years of life in that state would have hardly been a life at all. That awful ache in your side born of a rolled ankle, imbalance issues, what your doctors termed "spinal stenosis," and ultimately your failing psyche made it hard to stay active.
          My God! Ya know, it wasn't until the final month that we realized how little time you had left. And as the curtain closes on that stage of our lives, we're all—me, Yume, Ewan, Paige, and not least of all Dad—now working on the next stage. A stage we explore now without you.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Thursday, January 29, 2026

To my mom, January 29

Thursday, January 29, 1981

          You are very special you know that!?? God has created another of His many miracles in creating you—you are so loved … just wanted you to know. :D

Thursday, January 29, 2026

          It's a special thing you did to write all this to your then unborn baby. God created us to share opportunities and experiences with each other. I don't know if we shared all the ones that we could have if things had been different, but I feel grateful and blessed for the ones we did share.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Monday, January 26, 2026

To my mom, January 26

Monday, January 26, 1981

          Well, things keep trickling in…. Today we got a box in the mail from my mother chock-full of nice little baby things I’m sure you’ll enjoy – oh! By the way, we found your crib! I just can’t wait to start dressing up your room—making it all nice and bright—a happy place for you to grow. Thinking about you really puts the sunshine in my life … I love you.

Monday, January 26, 2026

          Well, things keep progressing as you and Dad planned. We should be making a decision soon on an assisted living facility nearby for him to take residence in, chock-full of nice old people and planned meals and smaller, quieter quarters. I'm sure Dad "just can't wait" to start dressing up his new place—filling it with what remains from 740 Linda Vista—a fine little abode for him to grow old in alongside your memory. Thinking about you evokes a mood that matches the cloudy, foggy days this time of year somewhat—and then the sun burns it all away. You always loved the sun. And we love you.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.

Monday, January 19, 2026

To my mom, January 19

Monday, January 19, 1981

          Hi baby! Today I saw the doctor and I’m pleased to say that I have now been carrying you for 6 ½ months. You’re moving around a lot, more and more each day—it makes me happy to know that you are so active, sometimes I just can’t help but laugh when I feel your little fluttering kicks.

Monday, January 19, 2026

          Hi Mom! It's been 45 years since you put those words to paper. I'm so grateful I got to read it to you in its entirety before the end. I had never read it before, so it was an exciting discovery. Paired with what became, it may seem strange to have experienced some level of joy amid the sorrow. Very fitting though given you wrote them to me as I was coming into the world, and I read them to you as you were leaving.
          I dedicate these entries to respond in kind to your loving messages so as to correspond with the same days you did them throughout the year. May they be a forever monument to the kind of mother you were. I love you and miss you.

My mom died on January 7, 2026. She was 70 years old. It was both her time and not her time.